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18 Feb

How to get street harassers/creeps to leave you alone

A while ago I wrote about what it’s like being harassed and catcalled by siff men while walking in town. I’ve tried every approach to getting men like this off my case: Pretending to be married, ignoring them or just the good ol’ “Fuck off”. None of these seem to have any impact whatsoever. So I’ve come up with a more powerful strategy. When a guy asks you, “Why are you not smiling?” say: 1. Because Heath Ledger is dead If you can manage a few tears while saying this - EVEN BETTER. Hopefully he doesn’t know who Heath Ledger is. 2. Because you smell That’s right, I’m childish like that. Tit for tat, you shit. When a guy catcalls you, do...
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10 Feb

How to get stupidly drunk on Valentine’s Day

I seriously have no time for Valentine's Day. Even when I had a boyfriend I was just like: NOPE. I don't want chocolates, diamonds, cupids or teddy bears. I want burgers and chips and a Mr Price voucher. Because I'm a classy bitch like that. I seriously don't get Valentine's Day - you're supposed to show people you love them everyday. Whatever your feelings about Valentine's Day, here's a fool proof way to have yourself a good time this Friday. Enjoy! 1. Pour yourself a drank 2. Put some lipstick on, because you deserve to look hawt. (Even though you're single as shit) 3. Drink everytime you see a "I don't need a man!" tweet. Cool story, bro. 4. Drink everytime you see a sad Facebook status. 5. Drink...
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5 Nov

How to find out if you’re eligible to buy fireworks on Guy Fawkes Day

I am very much against Guy Fawkes Day. Yes, I think fireworks are beautiful, but I don’t like what they do to animals. I’ve seen and heard some disgusting shit about animal abuse on Guy Fawkes Day. That’s why I think it’s important that people who want to buy fireworks should fill out the below questionnaire to find out if you’re eligible to buy fireworks. Did you leave high school at 15? Does your car have a Monster sticker on its bumper? Is your car dropped, or does it have spinning rims and blue lights underneath it? Was Twilight the best (and only) book you’ve ever read? Do you think Red October was a genius idea? Did you just Google Red October because you didn’t understand the...
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23 Oct

How to get a partner in Cape Town

1. Find out if your crush has a girlfriend This applies to boys and girls. 2. Find out if your crush has a boyfriend I’m not only talking to the boys. 3. Find out if your crush has a boyfriend and a girlfriend Bicycle, biiiicycle, bicycle! 4. Find out how many of your friends/acquaintances your crush has been with The answer will probably be: ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS. Cape Town is the second largest city in the South Africa, yet everyone’s incestuous AF. 5. Find out if your crush is engaged/married Just because your crush has a mansion, expensive car and two children, doesn’t mean that they’re married. This is Cape Town. 6. Enter relationship Stalk them until they give in. 7. Start a blog about your relationship Sorry, but your relationship isn’t real...
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17 Jun

How to pine after a crush: A pictorial by Anja van der Spuy

Okay so you're chilling at home, watching Youtube videos and checking tweets when suddenly you think: Hey, I wonder what my crush is up to? So you head over to Facebook and check out his profile. Then you get really sad, because WHY IS HE SUCH A BABE? And then the pining starts. Step 1 -Take off all your jewellery Step 2 - Tie your hair back, because nothing says "fuck you, I'm sad" like a Britney Spears bun Step 3 - Put on your jammies - preferably ones that smell like R Kelly's sheets Step 4 - Pour a glass of wine Step 5 - Keep stalking his profile. Wait, is that a girl in his profile picture?! Step 6 - DRINK Step 7 - Ugly cry Step 8 - Get...
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