Firstly, I feel like we need to get this out of the way:
These are “pants”, or in British English, which we all know you’re very fond of speaking – “trousers”.
A. To keep us warm
B. To keep our koeks in our broeks
C. To keep us from embarrassing other humans
Here’s a little sketch to illustrate:
Okay, I feel better now that we’ve gotten that out of the way.
Listen, nobody can say that you didn’t have a spectacular career, because you did. You created pop music, and I will always have a very special place in my heart for ‘80s and ‘90s Madonna.
But post-millennium you is fucking terrifying.
Have you Googled yourself recently? Wait. Do you even know what Google is? It’s this technology that youngsters use to find information on topics they find amusing – like cats eating pizza, and really important stuff like that.
Anyways, this is what pops up when one Googles you:
When I was a kid I lived in fear of sleeping with my leg over the bed, because I was scared that an arm under the bed would grab it.
That is the arm I imagined.
American Horror Story: Freakshow.
I’m sorry, Madonna. You had to see this.
I feel so sorry for your poor children who have to deal with this. When I was a teenager I used to think it was embarrassing to walk with my mom in shopping malls. Your kids have to watch you make out with Drake.
It’s time to quit. You’ve had a fabulous career, but nobody is amused anymore. In fact, you’re actually a bit depressing at this stage.
You are not 22 anymore.
That’s right, Google knows your age.
So please, put some pants on, keep your tongue in your mouth and retire. We’ll always love ’80s Madonna. Always.
P.S. If you’ve already forgotten what pants/trousers are, here’s another photo.