My brother, the awesome Ruaan van der Spuy (please follow him on Twitter so that we can up his online street cred) recently joined Tinder for shits and giggles. Everytime he visited us at home he’d tell me about all his experiences. I didn’t want to be the only one to hear these hilarious stories, so I asked him to write a blog for you.
Here it is.
So, recently I’ve been giving Tinder a go. What a wild ride of guilt-free judgment.
Tinder is literally nothing more than a glorified meat market, yet, at the same time I find myself constantly returning to don my toga and cast down my glorious verdict on the (oblivious) female social media demographic.
Within the first few rounds of my Journey of a Thousand Swipes, however, I started noticing a recurring pattern. The only thing that interrupted this pattern, was the sound of my dry-heaving every time I was smacked in the face with another round of basic-ness.
Instead of being a little bitch myself, I’ve decided to consolidate my findings into a few bullet points and send them to (my sibling) Anja.
So, without further ado, my list of things I’ve come to realise about ‘Tinderellas’:
Tinderellas are all wine lovers
At the rate that girls take pictures of themselves with glasses of wine in various settings, Tinder should really consider getting Klein Nederburg or Four Cousins on-board for a sponsorship.
Tinderellas are all “down to earth”
Of all the possible combination of words in the English language, why would you choose this one? “Down to earth” is just another phrase for “boring as fuck”.
Tinderellas love shitty quotes
I swear, if I have to see one more Audrey Hepburn/Marilyn Monroe quote, I’m going to spew.
Tinderellas are all “fun-loving”
You know one word that I would describe myself as? Fun-hating. Fun is terrible. You should never have fun, or describe yourself as someone that enjoys having it. Also, you should never state that your breathe oxygen or convert food into poop.
Tinderellas love to live and laugh in their lives, presumably to have a loving life that laughing allows them to live.
Tsek. Instant right-swipe.
Tinderellas flock in groups
This makes it exceedingly difficult for me to figure out which one you are in that picture you had your friend with the “great personality” take of the rest of the girl squad in Nubar/Terrace/Tiger Tiger.
Tinderellas love to press their faces together
Most girls on Tinder can’t help but press their faces together for photos so closely that they look like a microscope view of epithelial cells.
Tinderellas still haven’t gotten that memo about duckfaces
Either that, or they’re purposefully being defiant. In both scenarios – I’m going to give you a klap on the mouth.