Dear Kendall Jenner,
If you've read my letter to your sister, you're probably super nervous about the contents of this letter.
But you can relax, because I'm here to celebrate what a beautiful woman you've become.
When things come too easily to humans, they often become lazy or jaded. But you've taken the opportunities that were given to you, and you've used them to build an incredible career for yourself.
Many people will say that you wouldn't have been able to be this successful, had you not been part of the Kardashian/Jenner clan. But that's not true. You've dreamt of becoming a model from a young age, and you stopped at nothing to reach that dream...
Firstly, I feel like we need to get this out of the way:
These are “pants”, or in British English, which we all know you’re very fond of speaking – “trousers”.
Humans wear pants/trousers for the following reasons:
A. To keep us warm
B. To keep our koeks in our broeks
C. To keep us from embarrassing other humans
Here’s a little sketch to illustrate:
Okay, I feel better now that we’ve gotten that out of the way.
Listen, nobody can say that you didn’t have a spectacular career, because you did. You created pop music, and I will always have a very special place in my heart for ‘80s and ‘90s Madonna.
But post-millennium you is fucking terrifying.
Have you Googled...
Dear Amber Rose,
Before writing this letter to you I had to Google you to find out who you are. Even Wikipedia was like, "Who dis?" when I typed in your name.
I found out about your existence at the beginning of the year when you divorced Wiz Khalifa, who btw looks like the Polsmoor version of the Nik Naks man.
Soon after that you posted this super tasteful photo of yourself, which was obviously not a cry for attention at all.
Then the other day I saw your name on my Twitter timeline again - this time for calling the Kardashians whores.
Now, I'll admit that my first...
Can you even read English?
I see that you wrote Jennifer Aniston an open letter. How dare you attack such a sweet woman?
You think that you're so cool, but we all know that you used to think that Austria is just a shorter way of saying Australia. Not to mention that time you thought that Charlie Hebdo was a person.
And who are you to judge Jennifer Aniston's hair? You once dyed your hair to look like Rondald McDonald, who btw is a kak person to idolise. (I've seen the Supersize Number 5 boxes in your car.)
2010 wasn't your best year.
Jennifer Aniston's dresses might be safe, but at least she never thought that...
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
I know I'll probably get killed for writing this letter to America's Sweetheart, but I'm from South Africa. So call da cops
A while ago I mentioned in one of my red carpet rants how your outfits always bore me to death. Sometimes when I can't sleep I just Google your dresses.
But then your SAG Awards dress happened, and although it was at least a bit more exciting than your usual bland rokke, it was still sad.
The whole look just screamed, "Look at me! I'm also one of the cool kidz. I know how to YOLO LOL ROFL."
And why didn't you wear a bra? Does it have something to do with menopause?
One thing I have to commend you on is...