Living in Cape Town makes you obsessed with living in Cape Town. Seriously. Capetonians LOVE Cape Town. We love bragging about this place, and it’s easy to see why.
But this is not another article about that. This is an article about something I have kept in my heart for a long time.
There are certain places in Cape Town I’ve felt forced to like, because everyone likes it.
Today I decided to tell you what I really think of these places.
A certain shopping centre by the sea
Few things have the power to make me hate my life as much as going to this shopping centre. I have even tried going at different times to test if it’s maybe linked to how crowded the mall is. Here’s what I found:
09:00 Bag of ass
13:00 Bag of ass
16:00 Bag of ass
20:00 Bag of ass
And for such a posh place the bathrooms smell like a literal bag of ass. Not to mention the outside which is always littered with Steers packets. Binne blink, buite stink.
A shed on the same premises as above shopping centre
Another place with African curio, overpriced market food and clothes 2% of the population can afford.
A coffee place that sounds like Oregon
Look, I understand that it was one of the first coffee shops of its kind. And I like their coffee. I just don’t like that whenever I go there I have to stand in the door like a vampire waiting to be invited in. Why is there ALWAYS a queue to be seated? It makes me so uncomfortable to stand there looking at people, waiting for them to stop their millennial conversations so that I can be seated.
And then once it’s your turn to get a seat – the odds are very high of it being at a communal table where you have to turn your R-rated conversation into an All Ages one because everyone can hear you.
The smettest smet that ever smetted. Most of my time in Cape Town has been spent avoiding Long Street.
“Hey, do you want to go out for dinner?”
“Long Str – “
And maybe it’s because my clubbing days are over, but going out in Long Street is about as pleasing as licking an ashtray. Between fighting your way through the crowded streets, feeling hands on your bum/in your handbag/on your chest, getting cat-called, being offered all sorts of drugs and feeling like you’re in a kak episode of Skins – it’s impossible to relax and just have fun.
A place in the CBD that is named after a gaming centre
Okay, I’ve never been here, but when I told people I was creating this list – I was asked to please add it. This is why:
“It’s a fucking warehouse”
“There’s no view. Oh, let’s just sit in a CAR PARK.”
“It’s so crowded.”
A place in Sea Point that was once named La Vie
Unlike the place I mentioned above, this one ticks all the boxes: It has a lovely view, the restaurant is spacious and the menu is great.
But it has TERRIBLE service. If you’re into waiting hours for your food, getting your food 20 minutes before/after everyone at the table, or feeling hangry enough to eat someone’s soul – you might dig this place.
Or if you’re a Stellenbosch student in Cape Town .
(I’m not sorry.)
A restaurant close to The Waterfront that rhymes with “The bland”
The view is great, but the menu is so ridiculously overpriced. Seriously. Vis en tjips vir R160? Fokkof. I’d rather buy an oily fish and chips parcel at a corner shop and eat it at the Promenade.
Yeah, I can’t really be bothered to even hide this place’s name. Here’s a little snippet from their menu.
I’m sorry, is Active Sushi a restaurant or a high school?
If we had to remove all the restaurants in Cape Town that serve sushi, the city would be emptier than my womb. So sit down (for 90 minutes), Active Sushi. You’re serving raw seafood, not gold.
Anything in Camps Bay
Camps Bay is the Canal Walk of Cape Town beaches. Why would I sit in someone else’s sweat when I can drive 10min longer and have a whole beach to myself? And while I’m dropping truth bombs: None of the restaurants are worthy of the schlep of looking for parking/being harassed by car guards and bergies. Thanks, bye.
A restaurant in Wynberg Chelsea Village that sounds like Core & Plenty
Good food, lovely area, AWFUL waiting time.
If you can tolerate an extremely noisy and overcrowded restaurant while you stand in the doorway like a peasant for 30 minutes, hoping to be seated, the food is actually good.
But remember to take all 7 Harry Potter books with you to read in the queue.
A photo posted by Anja Wintour (@anjawintour) on
Stay tuned for my blog about underrated places in Cape Town. (And feel free to add recommendations below!)