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Me: Did you forget our anniversary is next week? JP: No, I remembered last week and then forgot this week.

About an hour ago from Anja van der Spuy's Twitter

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24 Aug

Overrated Places In Cape Town

Living in Cape Town makes you obsessed with living in Cape Town. Seriously. Capetonians LOVE Cape Town. We love bragging about this place, and it’s easy to see why.

Those Greenpoint nights.

A photo posted by Anja Wintour (@anjawintour) on

But this is not another article about that. This is an article about something I have kept in my heart for a long time.

There are certain places in Cape Town I’ve felt forced to like, because everyone likes it.

Today I decided to tell you what I really think of these places.

A certain shopping centre by the sea

Few things have the power to make me hate my life as much as going to this shopping centre. I have even tried going at different times to test if it’s maybe linked to how crowded the mall is. Here’s what I found:

09:00 Bag of ass

13:00 Bag of ass

16:00 Bag of ass

20:00 Bag of ass

And for such a posh place the bathrooms smell like a literal bag of ass. Not to mention the outside which is always littered with Steers packets. Binne blink, buite stink.

MEH.

A shed on the same premises as above shopping centre

Another place with African curio, overpriced market food and clothes 2% of the population can afford.

YAWN.

A coffee place that sounds like Oregon

Look, I understand that it was one of the first coffee shops of its kind. And I like their coffee. I just don’t like that whenever I go there I have to stand in the door like a vampire waiting to be invited in. Why is there ALWAYS a queue to be seated? It makes me so uncomfortable to stand there looking at people, waiting for them to stop their millennial conversations so that I can be seated.

And then once it’s your turn to get a seat – the odds are very high of it being at a communal table where you have to turn your R-rated conversation into an All Ages one because everyone can hear you.

He-always-honest-about-wardrobe-choices

Long Street

The smettest smet that ever smetted. Most of my time in Cape Town has been spent avoiding Long Street.

“Hey, do you want to go out for dinner?”

“Sure! Where?”

“Long Str – “

blog.poprevolver.com

blog.poprevolver.com

And maybe it’s because my clubbing days are over, but going out in Long Street is about as pleasing as licking an ashtray. Between fighting your way through the crowded streets, feeling hands on your bum/in your handbag/on your chest, getting cat-called, being offered all sorts of drugs and feeling like you’re in a kak episode of Skins – it’s impossible to relax and just have fun.

A place in the CBD that is named after a gaming centre

Okay, I’ve never been here, but when I told people I was creating this list – I was asked to please add it. This is why:

“It’s a fucking warehouse”

“There’s no view. Oh, let’s just sit in a CAR PARK.”

“It’s so crowded.”

A place in Sea Point that was once named La Vie

Unlike the place I mentioned above, this one ticks all the boxes: It has a lovely view, the restaurant is spacious and the menu is great.

But it has TERRIBLE service. If you’re into waiting hours for your food, getting your food 20 minutes before/after everyone at the table, or feeling hangry enough to eat someone’s soul – you might dig this place.

Or if you’re a Stellenbosch student in Cape Town .

(I’m not sorry.)

A restaurant close to The Waterfront that rhymes with “The bland”

The view is great, but the menu is so ridiculously overpriced. Seriously. Vis en tjips vir R160? Fokkof. I’d rather buy an oily fish and chips parcel at a corner shop and eat it at the Promenade.

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Active Sushi

Yeah, I can’t really be bothered to even hide this place’s name. Here’s a little snippet from their menu.

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I’m sorry, is Active Sushi a restaurant or a high school?

If we had to remove all the restaurants in Cape Town that serve sushi, the city would be emptier than my womb. So sit down (for 90 minutes), Active Sushi. You’re serving raw seafood, not gold.

Anything in Camps Bay

Camps Bay is the Canal Walk of Cape Town beaches. Why would I sit in someone else’s sweat when I can drive 10min longer and have a whole beach to myself? And while I’m dropping truth bombs: None of the restaurants are worthy of the schlep of looking for parking/being harassed by car guards and bergies. Thanks, bye.

A restaurant in Wynberg Chelsea Village that sounds like Core & Plenty

Good food, lovely area, AWFUL waiting time.

If you can tolerate an extremely noisy and overcrowded restaurant while you stand in the doorway like a peasant for 30 minutes, hoping to be seated, the food is actually good.

But remember to take all 7 Harry Potter books with you to read in the queue.

Stay tuned for my blog about underrated places in Cape Town. (And feel free to add recommendations below!)

Anja Wintour

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Hello! Thanks for checking my blog out - I like you already! If you want to suggest a topic, please drop me a mail on [email protected] Email address is PR-friendly too! Love, Anja

61 Comments
  • James Andrew Freemantle

    McDonald’s is underrated and so is Toni’s on Kloof. The latter isn’t the best place for a first date though because even the cutlery is made out of garlic.

    August 24, 2016 at 9:12 am Reply
      • Zanie

        As far as I’m aware, Toni’s is also one of the few places that sell all-day (affordable) breakfasts. Cape Tonian restaurants with their 10am breakfast deadlines can fuck right off.

        August 24, 2016 at 12:57 pm Reply
  • Lynn

    “The smettest smet that ever smetted”

    LAG.
    Although – I disagree with the loos smelling like a bag of ass. My experience has been that it smells like the paper your fish and chips came in and someone used that paper to wipe up a pool of blood and left it to rot.

    August 24, 2016 at 9:56 am Reply
    • Craig

      Lol gross.

      August 27, 2016 at 10:56 am Reply
  • KateF

    Brilliant!!!!!

    August 24, 2016 at 9:56 am Reply
  • Ulpha Edries

    Did i ever tell you how much i love you?!?
    Loved this blog post. Made me laugh because ironically i went to a place in the mall by the sea and there is a restaurant by the door – 1 bland pancake with cinnamon and sugar = 74.00 (see said Facebook post). Overpriced as fuck! Horrid service yet still surviving! Probably have a contract with Satan that’s why its still open.
    You need your own TV show. I’m convinced.

    August 24, 2016 at 10:39 am Reply
  • AndiSachs

    Loved this post I had to share it with my friends. Please talk about how Hudsons and The Royal Eatery are basically the same restaurant with a different name. And how Hudsons waiters have about as much diversity as Hogwarts. Honestly all the waiters look EXACTLY the same. Maybe it’s a trick.

    Also Assembly is the most overrated club on earth :”)

    August 24, 2016 at 11:17 am Reply
    • Beerhouse Randolf

      Assembly just closed forever last week…

      August 27, 2016 at 12:50 am Reply
  • Willem

    Fantastiese meningstuk, en so snaaks geskryf! Dankie!

    August 24, 2016 at 12:16 pm Reply
  • Jonathan

    This made me LMAO!!! 100% correct, haven’t ventured out to the one in Wynberg though but I trust your comments is spot on

    August 24, 2016 at 12:36 pm Reply
  • Andre

    you gained a subscriber..

    August 24, 2016 at 1:09 pm Reply
  • BloggsyMalone

    We tried. We really tried to like Long Street. We even went clubbing at “an underground trance experience on the first floor” and tried not to think of how ironic they were trying to be. Everyone thought we were either drug dealers or there to fetch our kids. We had to park in a hotel far, far, far away and walk for mile, so that our car was a) not keyed b) not broken into and c) not stolen. I miss the Long Street of my youth, but it’s dead and gone.

    August 24, 2016 at 1:54 pm Reply
  • jade abbott

    hella funny as always, you were born to entertain!

    August 24, 2016 at 1:54 pm Reply
  • dorothy b

    BEST! “Why would I sit in someone else’s sweat when I can drive 10min longer and have a whole beach to myself?” Amen. But why no actual names?

    August 24, 2016 at 1:58 pm Reply
  • Eva E.

    wholeheartedly agree with EVERY point

    August 24, 2016 at 2:21 pm Reply
  • Revona Kees

    LOVED this hahaha

    August 24, 2016 at 2:36 pm Reply
  • Jana

    Jis, wat n gil. Preach it, sister.
    Wens jy kon PE beleef, niks van hierdie crap nie. Port Elizabeth – SA’s most authentic city.

    August 24, 2016 at 2:49 pm Reply
  • dave

    “A place in the CBD that is named after a gaming centre”
    this one has me stumped… help me out plz.

    August 24, 2016 at 2:58 pm Reply
    • Lydia Afonso

      Arcade 😉

      August 25, 2016 at 2:08 pm Reply
    • Kate

      I also can’t figure this out.. Help us please 🙁

      August 25, 2016 at 2:10 pm Reply
  • Michael-Nico Abrahams

    You are to right for this world! #Ifollowyouboo

    August 24, 2016 at 3:28 pm Reply
  • Robin Starke

    What is the place that sounds like a gaming centre

    August 24, 2016 at 7:42 pm Reply
    • Robin Starke

      Wait wait, i figured it out!

      August 24, 2016 at 7:42 pm Reply
    • Larry kuiper

      ARCADE

      August 26, 2016 at 6:56 pm Reply
  • Quintin Steer

    Loved this blog post…you got me laughing pretty ridiculously. You’ve gained a subscriber, thumbs up.

    August 24, 2016 at 8:11 pm Reply
  • Enzo Leigh Botes

    The best damn thing I have read the entire day, if not year! Thanks for speaking our minds 😉

    August 24, 2016 at 8:32 pm Reply
  • Marius

    You seriously have some issues in life and looking at your picture and some other pictures on the Web tells me exactly why, the face of a snob and someone that has lost contact with the real world. Move back to Johannesburg, we don’t need you in Cape Town.

    August 25, 2016 at 4:04 am Reply
    • Melissa Theron

      Shame. You need a hug 🙂

      August 25, 2016 at 6:55 am Reply
    • Niz

      Lol, shem

      August 26, 2016 at 3:35 pm Reply
    • Theresa Jansen Van Rensburg

      Shame indeed! Unless I have missed something Anja’s “stalkers” all know she’s from Paarl!! So bite me! I’ve lived here all my life and there are so many overpriced places it’s laughable. I wish someone in the northern suburbs would create something to kick smetty Long Street’s a$$

      August 29, 2016 at 6:09 am Reply
  • Melissa Theron

    Definitely gained another subscriber. Keep at it gurl 🙂

    August 25, 2016 at 6:54 am Reply
  • Alison Roberts

    Lol oh my word, why have I never heard of you before? I had to google more than 1 of these which made it a fun start to the morning. Still don’t know what the gaming centre warehouse is though. This blog is so funny; people take life waaay to seriously these days so harmless fun like this is a great distraction. You definitely have a new follower 🙂

    August 25, 2016 at 7:05 am Reply
  • Haedrig

    I was expecting to see Beluga on this list. I’m still sure it has an official plaque somewhere declaring it to be the single most overrated place in Cape Town.

    Sad to see what’s happened to Active Sushi. It used to be a lot less pretentious when it was still in its old location in Strand Street.

    August 25, 2016 at 8:03 am Reply
  • Jono

    New to Cape Town…No idea what your are talking about. Names of the places would help.

    August 25, 2016 at 8:41 am Reply
  • Yusuf

    Definitely my favorite blog post on Cape Town so far. Love it.

    August 25, 2016 at 8:47 am Reply
  • Ferzana Dalvie

    GAINED a FOLLOWER! Mubarak!

    Can I add one to the list? Papa San’s or Minako or whatever he wants to call it these days. So apparently, you have to order everything you want the minute you get there. The waitors (and sometimes Papa San himself) comes out and tells you, ‘ you only have 34 minutes left of your reservation. This table is booked for someone else in 34 minutes’ So if you get an (HIGHLY overpriced plate of sushi, you cant decide thereafter, that actually, you’ll order another handroll or whatever because it would anger Papa San and his kitchen mojo. The waiters all gather to glower and judge you for wanting to do something so ‘kommin’ Never ever ever again.

    August 25, 2016 at 9:23 am Reply
  • Siakazi

    Am I the only one that does not know any of the places you are mentioning above? I only know Longstreet.

    At least you are lucky enough to have experienced all these places. I am also from Cape Town but never get to see any of it. I’m from Gugulethu.

    Can you put up more pictures please!

    August 25, 2016 at 9:24 am Reply
  • Russell Chowles

    Been living away from CT for a little over a year now and I can see nada has changed! One of my best places to eat is Maestros on Woodbridge Island. Great BIG plates of great food and probably the best view of the city. And no hipsters, trendoids and fahionistas in sight! Great blog!

    August 25, 2016 at 12:02 pm Reply
    • Jakub Vanek

      Been there recently, food is good but waiters.. They do coke or something, they just weird.

      August 28, 2016 at 6:09 am Reply
  • Galeema

    LOL! My first read of you, and Loved it

    August 25, 2016 at 1:02 pm Reply
  • Deanne H

    Couldn’t agree more! Especially with regard to breakfasts. I’ve never understood why I can’t order breakfast whenever I like. Preferably accompanied with gin.

    August 25, 2016 at 3:01 pm Reply
    • Moira Haarhoff

      Here’s a hint: breakfasts are usually loss leaders. They get you and hopefully keep you there until lunch.

      August 28, 2016 at 9:25 am Reply
  • Jason Keown

    Absolutely brilliant feel exactly the same overpriced and overrated restaurants in cape town and can we please have maybe just one Tapas bar like they do in Europe that is affordable for socialising after work!! Needless to say I no longer eat out in Cape Town.

    August 25, 2016 at 3:09 pm Reply
  • Lee

    Gurl. Clarkes.

    August 26, 2016 at 9:06 am Reply
    • DH

      Preach it sister. Total joke, bad food, bad attitude and crummy place.

      August 26, 2016 at 12:01 pm Reply
  • Deanne H

    oh, oh , oh – another one! The famous gin bar in Bree Street! Started out fab but have had 2 recent experiences there where it took almost an hour (I kid you not) to get a drink. Just a drink. From their drink menu. ANd I wish I could say, “oh, it was so full”. It wasn’t. There were about 7 people clustered around the bar and each time we politely asked where I drinks were, the waiter scuttled into the back room to hide Wierd. And really sad. As I do love gin and I want to love this place and I have tried and tried and tried. But they have failed me. Meh

    August 26, 2016 at 12:44 pm Reply
  • Eddy Cassar

    Refreshing and well written. Many establishments are taking this ” Cape Town, best city in the world thing, too far. Do they actually think we are stupid?

    August 27, 2016 at 6:13 am Reply
  • cebokazi

    Surprised the power and the glory wasn’t on here

    August 27, 2016 at 7:16 am Reply
  • Lushane Abrahams

    Love love love!

    August 28, 2016 at 5:15 am Reply
  • Michele Ressel

    Hilarious!

    August 28, 2016 at 5:46 am Reply
  • Lindy

    Bwahahaha! hilAAArious!!

    August 28, 2016 at 7:47 am Reply
  • Gordon Parish

    Loved the blog don’t agree with everything but that’s me

    August 28, 2016 at 11:49 am Reply
  • Ursula Neidhardt

    You made my Sunday! Sooooooo true and so beautifully written. So looking forward to more of the same!

    August 28, 2016 at 2:00 pm Reply
  • Oliver Boyers

    Such a lag! Another!

    August 29, 2016 at 6:53 am Reply
  • Christine S

    Brilliant! Love you.

    Subscribed!

    September 26, 2016 at 5:15 pm Reply
  • Tamsyn Kiddle

    Entire office had a good chuckle! LOVE!

    October 5, 2016 at 12:08 pm Reply

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