Dear Period Anja,
I know it’s hard to focus on anything except chocolate right now, but thank you for trying.
I just wanted to reach out to find out how you’re doing? I know you used that Period Calculator app to find out when your next period will be, and that it let you down again.
When will you learn to always have tampons on you? Yes, yes. I’m aware your handbag is always full. But is it really necessary to carry 10 lipsticks, a nail file, an extra pair of shoes, perfume, plasters, half eaten wine gums, 3 pairs of sunglasses, a banana, your hopes and dreams, a dog and 300 issues in your bag?
Okay, put that sharp object down. I’m only joking!
I know it’s incredibly unfair that sanitaryware is so expensive. But you really don’t have to talk to everyone who makes eye contact with you about it. That teller at Clicks was just trying to do his job.
Also, stop Googling kwashiorkor symptoms. You’re only bloated because you have your period.
Yes, I know your jeans won’t zip up. It might be because you’re bloated, but also because you had 2 hamburgers, fries and sago pudding for dinner.
Okay, seriously. Put that sharp object down.
Do you still have enough Myprodol left? I know you need them for the period pains, but also for the headaches from crying about Spar not having your favourite granola, and thinking about that stray dog you saw in 1996.
Have you gone into your weird phase of only listening to the most depressing music you can find? Stop playing Fix You. Coldplay isn’t relevant anymore, Anja. You’re better than this. No, this is also not the time to listen to Ultraviolence. It’s Lana’s worst album, you know this.
And stop devising ways to kick J-P when he’s not looking. Yes, he can be annoying, but he isn’t nearly as annoying as you find him now. I know he keeps patting your bloat and asking you when the baby is due. But he also made you dinner and listened to a very long rant about Spar.
Your period will be over soon, and then your life will go back to normal. I promise. But until then:
1. Remember to wear only black undies.
2. Don’t be so stingy when buying tampons – you will use them every month.
3. And stop thinking about how much you hate Eve. It’s weird and unhealthy.
P.S. Stop unfriending everyone on Facebook.