Anja van der Spuy
7 Hot Mess Street
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU
Dear Amanda Bynes,
I hope you’re well.
Haha, what am I even saying. I know you’re not.
I just don’t understand what happened to you. One minute you were the coolest girl in the world, and the next you were batshit crazy. Look, I’m all for jamming with your clam out and letting your freak flag fly, but your downward spiral has got to stop at some point.
I remember when I was in high school (something you probably don’t even remember attending), I used to watch The Amanda Show in the afternoons and think to myself: This is who I want to be when I grow up.
You were clever, witty, beautiful and everything that a teenage girl aspires to be.
I also loved What A Girl Wants, even though it was as un-funny as a South African sitcom. I even watched She’s The Man, which was so kak that it was actually good.
Easy A was definitely your best movie, but it’s now just an ironic reminder of your downfall.
I refuse to believe that you’re now this much of a mess. Intelligent, cool people don’t turn into hot messes like this for no reason. (Britney Spears excluded.)
People like THIS turn into hot messes for no reason.
And while we’re on this topic; if you’re going to insist on being a fuck up, you might as well do it properly. Stop copying other celebs! Britney shaved her hair off first. Stop being so lazy and create your own attention seeking stunts.
Also, you’re attacking the wrong celebs on Twitter. Leave Rihanna and the gay guy from N’Sync alone and focus your attention on these douchebags.
In addition, your whoredrobe isn’t shocking enough. You’re just dressing like a wigga. YAWN.
You either go full slut, or no slut.
I have to compliment you on your selfies though. These photos are dripping of daddy issues and dreck. Well done, you’re doing it right.
I have to admit that I still can’t believe that any of this is real. You’re too brainy to be this dumb. I can’t help but wonder if you’re just doing a social experiment for a future book, or movie.
Either way, it’s time to sort your shit out. I don’t know where you’re going with this. You’re not a musician, so you can’t join the 27 club.
You’re not an heiress, so you can’t overdose.
And you’re not a slut, so you can’t YOLO with your gina.
So where are you going with this?
I guess that’s the question on everybody’s lips.
I hope you get all of this out of your system and come back to us soon. Britney managed to make a comeback after 2007. You will too.
That’s all from me. You may continue taking selfies and slamming celebs on Twitter now.
Bring out the dancing lobsters!
Anja van der Spuy