At the beginning of this year I made a promise to myself to go to gym at least three times a week, and I am proud to say that I have stuck to this.
But even though I have been serious about going, I still can’t be serious when I’m there.
These are just some of the thoughts I’ve had at gym.
Oh wow, look at me. I’m at the gym. I’m such a great adult. I really have my life together.
Let me just quickly check Twitter before I go in.
I HAVE BEEN SITTING IN MY CAR FOR 20 MINUTES
It’s cool, I’m cool, everything is cool.
Ah no, now I’ll have to make small talk with the super happy person at the check in counter.
“Have a good work out, Anja!”
“Thanks, you too!”
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Let me quickly change into my workout gear. In the toilet cubicle. Away from the nudists.
ARGH I forgot my socks! Ah well, guess I’ll just have to go home now.
NO, ANJA.
Fine, I’ll just gym without socks and hope I won’t have to burn my shoes afterwards.
Shit, now I have to go into the locker room to store my stuff.
Must. Not. Make. Eye. Contact. With. Another. Woman’s. Vagina.
Wow, my eyes just went there. They didn’t even try to look away.
Now for the awkward walk up to the machines.
EVERYONE’S LOOKING AT ME
WHY AM I WALKING LIKE THIS ALL OF A SUDDEN
Phew, I made it. I’m going to do this on level 15 today.
Haha, who am I kidding. I’m going to do it on 13.
Wow, the gym has horrendous music. Better play my own.
Listen up, y’all, ’cause this is it. The beat that I’m bangin’ is de-li-cious. Fergalicious definition make them boys go loco.
Is that person across the room staring at me? This is now a staring contest, buddy.
THAT’S RIGHT, I WIN
Yeah, I’m definitely going to have to burn these shoes when I get home.
Why is this guy next to me looking at my machine’s screen?
How dare he? Who does he think he is?
Oh, he’s just looking at his own reflection in the studio window next to me.
Haha, how funny is it that people fart during yoga. Hahaha
Maybe I should join a class?
Oh ja. I almost forgot that I don’t like other people.
If I use this ab machine, my bum will leave sweat spots on the seat.
I guess it can’t be that bad.
HOLY SHIT IT’S AN ACTUAL FLOOD
Why does my bum sweat, but my pits are dry? What if I have a real medical problem and I have to ask a doctor to look at my butt?
Oh, hello arm and chest sweat. Guess I’ll have to burn all my clothes after this.
I’M FERGALICIOUS (t-t-t-t-t-tasty, tasty)
Wow, that guy literally can’t walk because his inner leg muscles are too big.
What if he, like, crushes his penis with it?
How weird must it be to exercise with a penis. Does it ever get in the way?
Okay I have been looking at him this whole time.
Would it be weird if I gym to Lana Del Rey?
BECAUSE YOU AND I, WE WERE BORN TO DIE
That personal trainer is looking at me. I’d better look like I know what I’m doing, otherwise he’ll come and talk to me.
“Is everything okay here?”
Well, I think I may have a medical condition that makes my butt sweat excessively.
“I’m okay, thanks!”
Wow, I truly have fokkol upper body strength.
I did carry a 25kg bag around at the airport once though.
Okay I have had enough of this. Home time!
SO MANY NIPPLES AND VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
MY LOCKER KEY IS MISSING
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
NIPPLESSSSS
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Okay, it’s cool. I’m going home now. I’m fine. Everything’s fine.
That was an excellent workout. I think I’m going to have McDonald’s for supper.
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Zoë Backhouse@gmail.com
This is pure gold 😀 Laughed out loud a good couple of times! Also, how did you get complete access to my thoughts to write this?