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1 Oct

Dear Vodacom

Dear Vodacom,

First of all: fuck you.

A while ago I made the mistake of opening an account with you. Oh excuse me, I mean a while ago I made the mistake of selling my soul to you.

in-a-puddle

I’ve heard bad things about Vodacom, but I’ll just take the leap of faith AND DIE.

I opened my account a week before I was supposed to go on holiday to the Karoo. Your staff assured me that my data will be loaded and ready by the time I hit the road.

It wasn’t.

Before I went to the Karoo I filled out the HUNDRED THOUSAND papers you asked me to, because you know, it’s 1991 and we don’t live in the digital age.

SIDE NOTE: MY MOTHER IS MORE TECHNOLOGICALLY ADVANCED THAN YOU.

Anyway, your super clever shop assistants accidentally gave me a carbon copy to write on. So they called me and asked me to come back to the shop to write on the right paper – without apologising for their brain fart.

Then I asked them to give me my iPad’s number. I bought the SIM card ages ago and never bothered to find out what its number is, because dealing with you is like swallowing razors.

Your shop assistants then gave me an eleven digit number. ELEVEN. Your stupid form, which  I had to write by hand because you’re scared of computers, doesn’t even HAVE SPACE FOR ELEVEN DIGITS.

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I asked your shop assistant if we even have eleven digits in South Africa. She said yes, and told me to write the extra digit next to the ten allocated blocks. So that’s what I did, and then I went on my well deserved holiday, trusting that I’ll have data to Instagram the shit out of my trip.

Two weeks later I got a call from one of your shop assistants, telling me that my application was unsuccessful because I gave them an eleven digit number.

This is the number shop assistant one gave me: 07606511495
This is the number shop assistant two gave me: 0606511485

People have learned how to do brain transplants, but your shop assistants are struggling to read numbers.

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After a month, they finally managed to set up my account – with the debit order linked to my savings account. I asked your assistants multiple times to confirm if it’s okay that it’s going off my savings account. Yes, they said. It’ll be fine, they said.

It wasn’t.

Three months later I got a warning letter out of the blue, saying that I’ve failed to pay my account for three months. This warning letter was attached to an email, without a subject line that says anything like, “Urgent” or “Warning”. No, because that is of course too technologically advanced for you.

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I would NEVER, EVER, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, not pay my accounts. So I immediately called one of your shop assistants, who mumbled something about FNB. To this day I still don’t know what went wrong with that debit order. None of your shop assistants could give me an answer.

I settled it immediately, and everything was fine after that.

But then you sent me a newsletter and attached my MOTHER’S invoice to it.

Firstly, nobody reads newsletters. Especially not yours.

Secondly, my mom and I have different names and account numbers. So how did you manage to fuck that up?

Thirdly, my mom’s name is SONJA. Not Ionja. How many times does she need to ask you to change it?

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This morning a R330 debit order went off my account without any explanation. I called your accounts department, and was on hold for half an hour.

As if waiting for half an hour isn’t bad enough, you made me listen to Robbie Wessels and Gangnam Style.

This is all I wanted to do:

work-meetings

It was a colossal waste of my time, because your operator was unable to explain why I was paying R200 extra this month. So I called my local Vodacom who promised to get back to me.

They still haven’t.

So you see, Vodacom, I am beyond fed up with you. You don’t listen to your customers, you take money as you please, and you make people listen to Gangnam Style.

Thanks for nothing, assholes.

P.S. The only good employee you have is Barend, who works at Paarl Mall. You should promote him to CEO. Maybe then your brand won’t make me want to do this.

emotional-at-work

Kind regards,

Anja

18 Comments
  • Lee

    That was a legendary letter. I had a similar experience with incompetant non-apologetic staff before I made a trip abroad which failed on all levels after receiving assurances from 3 different staff members at vodacom stores and their call centre.

    I might add that whilst vodacom are shocking- I have not heard good things about the other networks. What are we as South Africans supposed to do?

    October 2, 2013 at 8:47 am Reply
  • Layla Shaik

    Hahahaha, oh man. Possibly the funniest thing I’ve read all week.

    October 2, 2013 at 8:52 am Reply
  • Olu Winsh (@winsh)

    Whoopa!!!

    October 2, 2013 at 9:00 am Reply
  • Georgia

    GOD. I love this
    Idiots.
    vokjoucom.

    October 2, 2013 at 9:02 am Reply
  • nasreen

    I loath vodacom! They are so incompetent and a complete rip off!! Would rather drown in cat urine than use them again! I changed to cell C and they are not too bad and definitely better than Vodakak!

    October 2, 2013 at 9:33 am Reply
  • Siyaam

    I cannot even tell you the HORRIFIC incidences my boyfriend and I have had with Vodacom in the past!
    I will NEVER EVER enter into a contract with them again or support them in anyway.
    The most incompetent people I have ever dealt with in my life!!

    October 2, 2013 at 9:49 am Reply
  • Charl Viljoen

    You should do the same you did with your website. Move to Afrihost 🙂

    October 2, 2013 at 10:10 am Reply
  • Laiqah

    VODACOM you suck!!!! I’ve told myself countless times to change networks but they seem like they all suck.
    Thank you for brightening up my horrid day with your highly amusing troubles!

    October 2, 2013 at 10:42 am Reply
  • Robynne Rowlinson

    You had my laughing out load at my desk with this letter.
    I feel that too many of us share similar frustrations.
    BTW you didn’t mention Vodacom’s website… um hello Vodacom, as SA’s biggest service provider, one would think you would actually show useful info on your site?

    I hope sent this letter to them, or at least shared it on their FB wall…

    October 2, 2013 at 11:28 am Reply
  • Odette

    The guys at Cell C are just as incompetant. You can’t win with service providers in South Africa.

    October 2, 2013 at 12:35 pm Reply
  • Danielle

    Your post just sparked my own rant with a colleague.
    This same letter can be written about the staff of so (too) many South African companies.
    i think it is part stupidity (“I don’t know the answer”) and part laziness (“up yours, customer, I couldn’t be bothered to go find out for you either”).
    I face this daily, just today I went to Pick n Pay to buy pita wraps. Because the assistant didnt know what they were and couldn’t be bothered to find out, I got the usual “we don’t sell those” cop out.

    Service in South Africa is so bad. I miss the first world.

    (PS I have an 8ta sim card for my iPad. It’s prepaid and it’s frikkin cheap. I’d suggest that if you ever find yourself released from Vodacom’s evil clutches)

    October 2, 2013 at 1:32 pm Reply
      • Danielle

        No problem!
        Keep ranting 🙂
        I love your site (I am jealous it’s not mine)

        October 2, 2013 at 7:11 pm Reply
  • Sohini

    Ahahaha thanks for the lols, put a smile on my face and made my night. Hope your Vodacom experiences improve or they at least change their on hold music from gangnam style (anything but gangnam style)

    xo
    tv, turmeric, tea

    October 2, 2013 at 7:54 pm Reply
  • Lauren

    About two years ago, Vodacom was giving me issues that caused me much rage and consternation so I went the social media route too. I got so frustrated I eventually tweeted Vodafone in the UK as well as the then Vodacom CEO. My shit swiftly got sorted.

    October 3, 2013 at 7:24 am Reply
  • Bernard Bester

    I laughed so loudly while reading this. However, I do have some things to say as I worked for Vodacom in multiple departments. 99% of Vodacom stores are privately owned by either a private owner or a franchise. If you were in a Alisom Communication owned Vodacom store, I completely understand the fuck-up you experienced. I worked for them for one month. The first month my salary came in HALF of it was missing (from what I was promised in the interview). They tried to make kak excuses and kept on treating me like a child which is when I lost my cool and left. Anyway, the staff is not properly trained and are WAY underpaid so the employees are bound to be demotivated to anyting properly. Shout out to Barend! Sounds like me when I was still employed in that dead end position. Anyway, next time you have an Accounts or Activation query, hit me up. I’ve got connections. ;P

    October 18, 2013 at 1:00 pm Reply
  • Nick

    Nice to know I’m not the only person whose been screwed over by these vodacom bastuards

    April 2, 2015 at 7:21 pm Reply
  • Monique

    LOL. I cancelled my contract. Am on prepaid now and there are 0 issues. Vodacom must be the most retarded service EVER! Cell C gives better service. And you don’t have to hold for as long.

    September 14, 2015 at 10:57 am Reply

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