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About 4 days ago from Anja van der Spuy's Twitter

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15 Apr

Dear Madonna

Dear Madonna,

Firstly, I feel like we need to get this out of the way:

These are “pants”, or in British English, which we all know you’re very fond of speaking – “trousers”.

PG.10317403.JJBH3A0.PZ

 

Humans wear pants/trousers for the following reasons:

A. To keep us warm

B. To keep our koeks in our broeks

C. To keep us from embarrassing other humans

Here’s a little sketch to illustrate:

historyofpants.blogspot.com

historyofpants.blogspot.com

Okay, I feel better now that we’ve gotten that out of the way.

Listen, nobody can say that you didn’t have a spectacular career, because you did. You created pop music, and I will always have a very special place in my heart for ‘80s and ‘90s Madonna.

www.fanpop.com

www.fanpop.com

But post-millennium you is fucking terrifying.

Have you Googled yourself recently? Wait. Do you even know what Google is? It’s this technology that youngsters use to find information on topics they find amusing – like cats eating pizza, and really important stuff like that.

Anyways, this is what pops up when one Googles you:

www.telegraph.co.uk

www.telegraph.co.uk

When I was a kid I lived in fear of sleeping with my leg over the bed, because I was scared that an arm under the bed would grab it.

That is the arm I imagined.

www.virginmedia.com

www.virginmedia.com

American Horror Story: Freakshow.

madonna_old

B7_peanut

madonna22f-1-web

 

 www.mollytullis.com

www.mollytullis.com

I’m sorry, Madonna. You had to see this.

americanfreedomunion.com

americanfreedomunion.com

I feel so sorry for your poor children who have to deal with this. When I was a teenager I used to think it was embarrassing to walk with my mom in shopping malls. Your kids have to watch you make out with Drake.

www.dailymail.co.uk

www.dailymail.co.uk

And Britney.

www.zap2it.com

www.zap2it.com

And Dudley.

pixshark.com

pixshark.com

It’s time to quit. You’ve had a fabulous career, but nobody is amused anymore. In fact, you’re actually a bit depressing at this stage.

You are not 22 anymore.

Screen Shot 2015-04-15 at 9.50.12 AM

That’s right, Google knows your age.

So please, put some pants on, keep your tongue in your mouth and retire. We’ll always love ’80s Madonna. Always.

Love,

Anja

P.S. If you’ve already forgotten what pants/trousers are, here’s another photo.

www.modernexports.com

www.modernexports.com

5 Comments
  • Nadia

    I cringed so hard at the Drake scene 🙁 Like, I enjoyed seeing him look like he is about to gag, cos that’s what his music does to me, but jirre, Madonna…

    April 15, 2015 at 8:24 am Reply
  • Jenny

    Ah come on Anja – I know you are in your 20s but I am in my 40s and I hate the backlash against Madge because of her age. Her age actually doesn’t come into it. She’s just gross and inappropriate and not relevant anymore – but she’s been like that for a while. Frankly I think she looks bloody great for a 56 year old but I agree that she should wear pants and not try so hard to be so outrageous because she’s failing miserably. She should take a leaf out of Tina Turner’s books – although she didn’t go in for a pant much either… love your work as always! Had a good, ageing chuckle :*

    April 15, 2015 at 8:29 am Reply
  • Mayon Saaiman

    The arm you imagined is the best errrr

    April 15, 2015 at 8:36 am Reply
  • Talya

    nooo, leave the queen Madonna alone! okay i maybe agree with ya on the whole pants thing, but honest i would not mind looking like that at 56.. and she defs shouldn’t retire cos her new album Rebel Heart is ahmazing, like Ray of Light / Confessions on a Dancefloor good, go have a listen! also if you haven’t already, go watch her 1991 documentry ‘Truth or Dare’ it’s on YouTube and made me love her a million times more, if that was even possible! ha x

    April 15, 2015 at 8:43 am Reply

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