Last night I had a mini-meltdown in my flat as I suddenly realised that I live on my own, and I have no human shield against disgusting summer insects. I also realised that I have many useless things in my apartment, including cat butt magnets, but I have no Peaceful Sleep. Smart move, Anja. Smart move.

Anyway, seeing as a choir of muggies kept me awake the whole night, I had time to build up this blog post in my mind.

I decided to create human personalities for summer insects. That’s right. My mind is an even weirder place after 24h00.

Guys, this is a really weird post. I don’t… Ja. Here it is anyways.

1. The mosquito

The mosquito is a fucking stage 10 clinger. It’s that person who is constantly Whatsapping you.

“Hey, what are you up to?”

“Hey, was it you I saw at Aces and Spades last night?”

“Hey, I saw your photo on Instagram, You look good – we should hang out again!”

“Hey, do you want to hang out?”

“Hey, I am at Shack. Do you want to come over?”

“HEY, I WANT SOME OF YOUR BLOOD IN A FLASK SO THAT I CAN PUT IT NEXT TO MY BED AND SNIFF IT EVERY NIGHT.”

2. The cricket

The cricket has short man syndrome of note. He’s the guy who picks fights at bars and then hides behind his friends like a little bitch – shouting the occasional insult.

3. The muggie

The muggie is the person who’s forever overstaying their welcome.

AT THE CLUB

“Okay let’s go home now.”

“Nooooo, one more drink!”

AT YOUR HOUSE

“Sjoe, I am getting quite tired now…”

“Noooo, let’s watch a movie!”

THAT’S ENOUGH, MUGGIE!

4. The Moth

Moths can’t be compared to people because they are evil flesh eating demons whose sole purpose is TO EAT YOUR SOUL.

5. The cockroach

This one is easy. Cockroaches are the scumbags of humankind. They’re the kind of people who will put you on speakerphone while the person you are raging about is in the same room as them. You know what kind of human I’m talking about. Everyone knows a Cockroach, and if you don’t – YOU ARE THE COCKROACH.

6. The Christmas Beetle

Haai, siestog. The Christmas beetle is that one person who is so adorably dumb that you actually can’t help but like them. They’re the kind of person who asks what time 7 Eleven closes, or when First Thursday is. (What? I haven’t done that?)

The Christmas beetle is harmless – just don’t trust them around fire/water/anything.

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Cool, guys. Thanks for sticking around for this incredibly intelligent article.