Last night I went to see Gravity with my friends.
Five minutes into the movie I wanted to strangle an inconsiderate assface who was determined to find a jellybaby at the BOTTOM of a plastic packet.
It reminded me of Jean-Paul Sartre’s quote, “Hell is—other people.”
The thing is, other people are inconsiderate by nature, and will unknowingly ruin an awesome experience for you.
If you’re still not sure how to behave in a cinema, here’s a guide for you…you bastard.
1. Don’t chew like a horse
Oh I’m sorry, I thought I booked a movie ticket, not a Durban July ticket.
I am convinced that Dexter decided to become a serial killer after he heard someone chewing with their mouth open.
It’s a disgusting, rude, obnoxious, irritating habit. It’s the kind of habit that ruins friendships. I could never be friends with someone who chews with their mouth open.
The problem is, that even though my friends aren’t open mouth chewers, there’s no escaping people who are.
So please, the next time you want to munch popcorn like a beast, consider all the other people. We came here to watch the movie, not listen to your chewing.
2. Plastic is not fantastic
I’m going to start an Avaaz petition to ban plastic packaging from cinemas. If you absolutely HAVE to buy sweets that come in a plastic packet, be considerate.
Throw the sweets into your hand so that you don’t have to krap in the packet.
If you krap, I klap.
3. Sit still
If you’re older than 13, you have no excuse not to be able to sit still. Last night the seat behind me was really squeaky, but the lady who was sitting in it didn’t care. She didn’t change seats, even though the seat next to her was empty, and she didn’t sit still. Instead she moved around more than gypsy.
Don’t ruin the movie for everyone just because you can’t sit still, you selfish shit.
4. To pee, or not to pee
It’s shocking how many people get up in the first five minutes of the movie to go to the loo.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I mean, when did you get the time to consume enough liquid to go to the loo? You just sat down!
Ag nee man, there are babies that have better bladder control than cinemagoers. How difficult is it to go to the bathroom BEFORE the movie? And I refuse to believe that you’re unable to hold until the movie is over.
If you can’t hold your wee, or at least go to the loo without crushing everyone’s feet – watch a movie at home, asshole.
5. If you talk, you walk
Hey you know when a good time is to discuss the movie you’re watching?
AFTER THE MOVIE.
And for you buttheads who think that whispering is okay, it isn’t. It’s even more annoying.
6. No cellphones
You’re watching the movie and suddenly a light blinds you – what is it, where is it coming from? Is this the rapture?
No. It’s the dumbass in front of you who’s checking his BBMs.
I don’t care if you’re BBMing with Lady Gaga – you don’t take your phone out in the middle of the movie.
And if you do, you shouldn’t be surprised if I throw it on the ground and Godzilla stomp all over it.