First of all: fuck you.
A while ago I made the mistake of opening an account with you. Oh excuse me, I mean a while ago I made the mistake of selling my soul to you.
I've heard bad things about Vodacom, but I'll just take the leap of faith AND DIE.
I opened my account a week before I was supposed to go on holiday to the Karoo. Your staff assured me that my data will be loaded and ready by the time I hit the road.
Before I went to the Karoo I filled out the HUNDRED THOUSAND papers you asked me to, because you know, it’s 1991 and we don’t live in the digital age.
7 Skank Street
Anja van der Spuy
13 Wintour Lane
I suppose you are very chuffed with yourself after last night's VMA performance. No publicity is bad publicity, right?
Your performance is the single most horrifying thing I've ever seen. And that 's saying a lot, because I've watched Idols SA.
I know that it must've been hard to grow up with a goat as a dad.
But daddy issues don't give you a free pass to touch your mini-Miley in front of millions of people.
I'm sure your mom is too busy getting another tramp stamp to give a hoot about your performance, BUT I CARE.
You used to be such a lovely girl! What happened?
You have a gorgeous fiance, who even stood by...
Anja van der Spuy
7 Hot Mess Street
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU
Dear Amanda Bynes,
I hope you're well.
Haha, what am I even saying. I know you're not.
I just don't understand what happened to you. One minute you were the coolest girl in the world, and the next you were batshit crazy. Look, I'm all for jamming with your clam out and letting your freak flag fly, but your downward spiral has got to stop at some point.
I remember when I was in high school (something you probably don't even remember attending), I used to watch The Amanda Show in the afternoons and think to myself: This is who I want to be when I grow up.