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12 Jun

An open letter to Kylie Jenner

Dear Kylie Jenner, I know it hasn’t been easy growing up with Liewe Heksie reincarnate. We all knew that she would eventually come back to life, being a witch and all. But gurl, you have got to get your shit together. You are on a slutty slope of note! I don’t know what it is about Justin Bieber that makes girls act like dumbasses. Is it because his hair is prettier than ours? Maybe because he has lovely lashes and soft skin? Lesbehonest, it ain’t worth all the drama and skankiness. Sit jou koek terug in jou broek, man! You are only 16 years old! I have no time for Selena Gomez either, but when she extended her friendship to you – something all...
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24 Apr

An open letter to Avril Lavigne

Dear Avril Lavigne, Firstly, may I kindly request that you wipe that drunk panda eyeliner off your face so that you can read my letter properly? Thanks. Let's move on. Oh, dearest Avril Lavigne. What happened to the girl who never wore a cover-up, always beat the boys up and grew up in a five thousand population town? You made money by cuttin' grass, got fired by fried chicken ass. All in a small town, Napanee. We all seriously miss her. She was a total badass who didn't give a shit about wearing dresses and fitting in. Her songs had depth to it and sometimes even moral lessons. I have a theory that everything went wrong the day you dyed your hair blonde. Is it possible that the...
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10 Feb

Dear young married people

Dear young married people, I'd first like to apologise for any rudeness from unmarried folk. I hope that this letter will put things into perspective for you and make you understand why you've been judged for saying "I do". You're probably familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs. If not, here's a picture of it.   Just as there's a hierarchy of needs for humans, there's a hierarchy of needs for people in their 20s. You want to: A. Graduate from college B. Get a good job C. Get an apartment, car and other grown up shit D. Find someone to marry/spend your life with E. Get married F. Have kids (this often spills over into your 30s) G. Buy a house (This definitely only happens in your 30s) The thing is, a lot...
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7 Oct

A Letter To My Dog

Dear Jack, I'm so sorry that it took me so long to write this letter to you. I was scared that if I'd done it earlier, I would've drowned in a river of ugly tears. You died 7 months ago. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, because time probably isn't a factor in dog heaven. You got really ill while Mom and I were in Jo'burg. I'm sorry that Ruaan had to deal with you on his own, I know it couldn't have been easy for either of you. Dad still believes that you held onto life long enough for Mom and I to come back from Jo'burg, because you knew you couldn't leave this world without saying goodbye to us. I like...
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26 Aug

My Miley Cyrus intervention letter

Miley Cyrus 7 Skank Street Basic Bitchville 666 Anja van der Spuy 13 Wintour Lane Leopardville 777 Dear Miley, I suppose you are very chuffed with yourself after last night's VMA performance. No publicity is bad publicity, right? Wrong. Your performance is the single most horrifying thing I've ever seen. And that 's saying a lot, because I've watched Idols SA. I know that it must've been hard to grow up with a goat as a dad. But daddy issues don't give you a free pass to touch your mini-Miley in front of millions of people. I'm sure your mom is too busy getting another tramp stamp to give a hoot about your performance, BUT I CARE. You used to be such a lovely girl! What happened? You have a gorgeous fiance, who even stood by...
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