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31 Jan

Dear Jennifer Aniston

Dear Jennifer Aniston, I know I'll probably get killed for writing this letter to America's Sweetheart, but I'm from South Africa. So call da cops A while ago I mentioned in one of my red carpet rants how your outfits always bore me to death. Sometimes when I can't sleep I just Google your dresses. But then your SAG Awards dress happened, and although it was at least a bit more exciting than your usual bland rokke, it was still sad. The whole look just screamed, "Look at me! I'm also one of the cool kidz. I know how to YOLO LOL ROFL." No. And why didn't you wear a bra? Does it have something to do with menopause? One thing I have to commend you on is...
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4 Dec

Dear North West

Dear North West,Some might say that I'm wasting my time writing to a baby, but I know that even though you're only a year and a half old, you're probably smarter than your parents combined.“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph." - Kanye WestI rest my case.North, I'm writing to you because I want to apologise for the stupidity you have been subjected to in your short life. Being called North West, having a mother who would stop at nothing to stay relevant and having a father who is, well, Kanye West. I'm also sorry that your...
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14 Sep

Dear pop music industry

Dear pop music industry, When I was 8 I got my first Walkman. Soon after that came my Discman, then my MP3 player (which was HUGE) and then my iPod Nano. I bought my first CD at Musica when I was about 11 - it was obviously Britney's CD. DUH. And I used to ask for CDs for every birthday and Christmas. Later, when we got DSTV, I became obsessed with MTV. TRL and Wishlist used to be my absolute favourites, and thanks to these shows I discovered Avril Lavigne, The Veronicas, Paramore and Metric. Before MTV I never knew any of these bands even existed. During school holidays I used to watch MTV until my eyes...
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12 Aug

A letter to my childhood hero, Robin Williams

Dear Robin Williams, I know that when Ryan Dunn, Paul Walker and Cory Monteith died, a lot of people dismissed others who were sad about it. "Why are you sad, they're just celebrities?" I have not seen one single comment like this today, because you were much more than a film star to us. To me you were a kooky uncle who made my childhood very imaginative and creative. Ruaan and I used to LOVE the genie from Aladdin, our poor VCR was probably so tired of playing that tape over and over again. And don't even get me started on Jumanji. My mom had to replace our underwear every time we watched that movie. Mrs. Doubtfire was...
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6 Jul

An open letter to Taylor Momsen

Dearest Taylor,Let me start off by commending you on being the original Miley Cyrus. While she was still planting carrots in Nashville, you were already stocked up on raccoon eyeliner and panty-hos. I'd just like to know at what point you decided to become such a badass? I mean, you are so cool with your bleached hair and black eyeliner. Nobody has ever done that before. And I mean, it's so original to blaspheme in music. Like, it's the first time anyone's ever gone that route. Madonna Oh and my most favourite thing about you is that you are just so misunderstood. No other 20-year-old artist is like you at all. Was it hard working on the...
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