When my brother was four years old, he was blessed with a little sister to torture. He used to tell me ghost stories that terrifed me so much that I had to sleep with the light on. He even went as far as to get books filled with ghost stories from our school’s library to show me pictures.
I know that a lot of you have similar stories, because all brothers are predisposed this way. Here’s why brothers are the worst best things in the world.
One: They make up ridiculous stories
When we were little my brother used to tell me the most ridiculous stories. I always believed it, because he was four years older than me which meant that he’d read more Chappies wrappers than me.
Some of his wisdom included:
Iron Brew was made in a factory where people fart in cans, that’s why there’s gas in it.
Here’s a video of my brother trying to show me how my birthday gift works. He was so wise. “Tyd gaan vinnig verby.”
Two: They’re the best bathtime companions
My brother and I used to love bathtime. We used to beg my mom to use bubblebath so that we could put the foam on our faces to pretend that we’re Santa Klaus. Everything went well until I accidentally pooped in the bath this one time, and it upset my brother so much that he shrieked like a banshee and my mom had to come and save him.
Three: They steal your food
When we were at school we used to fight like orphans about food. As we were both still growing, we were permanently hungry. We used to hide food from one another – I often hid the viennas because Ruaan used to inhale a whole pack in a second. This one time we both wanted a leftover chop from a braai, so Ruaan licked it so that I couldn’t eat it. I nearly murdered him.
Four: They usually instigate fights
The most important part of being a brother is knowing your sibling’s weakness. Mine was ghost stories.
There was this one spooky song that Ruaan used to hum that freaked me out so much that I immediately cried.
So obviously he hummed it at least a week.
Five: They’re always there to play with you
When I was little, we never watched tv. We used to play outside when the sun came out until the sun set. We played everything from Wegkruipertjie (Hide and seek), Stuck in the mud, Aan-aan (Tag you’re it) and our absolute favourite: donkerkamertjie.
I have absolutely no idea what donkerkamertjie is called in english, but the aim of the game is to hide in a dark room, and then someone has to come looking for you. Both Ruaan and myself used to get so excited that we wet ourselves. This one time my brother’s friend got so nervous that someone would discover his hiding place, that he farted – loudly.
The game was over after that, because none of us could stop laughing.
Six: They enrich your imagination
My brother is the reason I believed in the tandemuis (toothfairy) until an embarrassing age. We used to have two cordless telephones which Ruaan used to use to call me as the tandemuis. He called me from the one cordless phone, then I picked up on the other. The rule was that I had to be outside by one of the trees in our garden for the so called ‘tandemuis‘ to call me. I used to tell the tandemuis all my secrets, not once thinking that it was my brother on the other end.
This went on for a while, until one day my brother confessed that it was actually him calling me. Looking back, I’m so happy that he’d done it, because it was so amazing to believe in the tandemuis for so long.
I used to believe in so many things – fairies included, and he always played along. Half my childhood was spent in a fantasy thanks to him.
Seven: They’re gassy
Apparently cow farts are partially responsible for the gap in the ozone layer. I think that brother farts/burps are also a big contributor. My brother spent 90% of our childhood farting and burping up a storm. After watching Dumb and Dumber, we spent many an afternoon with lighters in our hands.
Eight: They’re our best friends
They might steal our food, burp in our faces, fart in our rooms, tell us made up stories and troll our Facebook posts, but they’re our best friends for life.
I am incredibly grateful to have a brother.