Last night’s MTV Movie Awards delivered a few beautiful outfits, and celebs like Emma Watson and Selena Gomez looked really amazing.
But I’m not here to talk about those.
I haven’t done one of these red carpet rants in a while, so I have A LOT of pent up bitchiness. So please excuse me while I put my best pair of judgepants on to tell you exactly what I thought of last night’s worst dressed.
Makeup: Kids, this is what happens when you have an STD.
Outfit: There’s just too much going on here. As separate pieces I don’t hate what she’s wearing – I actually like the hat and fringe top. But put together she looks like a drunk (and blind) cowboy.
I will be the first to admit that I have a billion crushes. Some of them are animated (Dimitri), others are fictional (John Snow). I also have social media crushes (funny/hot guys I have on Facebook or follow on Twitter). DON’T JUDGE ME.
Lastly I have real life crushes. They’re the ones who make me listen to sad white girl music like Christina Perri while stalking the shit out of their Facebook photos. When I talk to them everything that comes out of my mouth sounds like this “JHwrfjswrfjwoeraojfawkfjkjfalwrfja” because they make me so nervous with their HOTNESS.
There are a few things that always stand out to me about having a crush. No matter who the guy is, I always do...
So my birthday is tomorrow, and my parents still don't have a gift for me. The reason for this is because every time they ask me what I want for my birthday, I give them answers like this:
To relive Lady Gaga’s Cape Town concert
A pet leopard
An extra middlefinger
To never attend a meeting again
A leopard print car
For Groupon to fuck off
An attractive morning face
For every copy of 50 Shades of Grey to be destroyed in a bonfire
An invisibility cloak
A dishwasher that can unload itself
The ability to use a public bathroom
Cara Delevinge's eyebrows
For all the Ugg boots in the world to spontenously combust
Smaller feet (that can fit into pointed shoes)
Audrey Hepburn's surname
The right to bitch klap irritating people
When I was little I was obsessed with the movie Anastasia. For three reasons:
a.) Dimitri is was my dream Disney boyfriend
b.) Anastasia is a total badass and her nickname is Anja
c.) She went through life not knowing that she's a princess, and then one day BAM! She became a Romanov princess.
I do realise that none of this really happened, and the poor Romanovs were torn apart by one of the most evil men in history. But I choose to focus on the 20th Century Fox Animation Studios adaptation.
Anastasia gave me hope that one day a long lost family member will show up and tell me that I'm a princess. I even practiced wearing a crown and looking like a total grand...
That's right, choke her.
I was overjoyed when she died at the end of season 3. Then she came back as a vampire.
I'd hoped that she would stop being such a nat pantie, but she even makes being a vampire look like a drag.
This is what her script looks like:
Stephan: Elena, bla bla bla, love bla bla.
Damon: Bla bla bla bla
Elena: Sigh. Bla bla bla. SIGH.
Caroline: Bla bla bla
Elena: SIGH SIGH SIGH SIIIIIIGH
That's all she does in the show. We should just make a drinking game out of her script - everytime she sighs you should have a shot. You'd be sloshed within 10 minutes.
Elena, you are insipid, and I can't wait until someone stakes you.
Jeremy and Matt