Last year only 10% of my life was spent on the road when I occasionally drove to Paarl to visit my family, or to the Waterfront to do some angry shopping. (If you ever see me there, don’t talk to me or make eye contact, you will die.)
This year I started a new job that requires me to drive a lot more. I drive against traffic most of the time, but the N1 has still unleashed a hell fire in my soul that I needed to release here.
Buckle up, here comes an epic rant.
If your car is expensive you never have to indicate
If your car is expensive, you don’t have to indicate when changing lanes. You don’t even have to make eye-contact with mere mortals, because your first world privilege is like a forcefield that absolves you of any such mundanities.
You abominable twat.
Traffic karma does not exist
I always aim to be a good person – even when I truly don’t feel like it, it’s part of the curse of being too considerate. But you know what? Giving gracious gaps on the N1 doesn’t mean that people will return the favour. There is no such thing as traffic karma.
Neither does any form of gratitude
Oh, and even if you give someone a gap so big it could accommodate Kanye West’s ego, don’t expect a thank you. The N1 is where manners go to DIE.
Safe following distance = perfect distance to cut in
“Hey there cautious driver, I see you are maintaining a safe following distance. Good for you! I have to be in your lane, so do you mi –
TOO LATE I ALREADY SQUEEZED IN! HAHAHA SUCK IT!”
People are awful to truck drivers
Look, trucks can be pretty annoying. But it kills me when people drive like lunatics behind them in the slow lane, hooting at them, or refusing to let them change lanes. CALM YOURSELF.
The middle lane = The middle finger lane
Right kids, it’s time for a fun fact! Did you know that you are allowed to do whatever the fuck you want when you drive in the middle lane? Want to drive 60km/h? Sure! How about 140km/h? Also cool! I bet you didn’t read that in your K53 booklet!
Nobody cares about right-of-way
Oh, this lane merges into my lane? So you need me to go into the other lane to give you a gap? WELL TOUGH LUCK, YOU’LL HAVE TO FLY OVER MY CAR.